I got all my hair cut off, y'all.
I don't have any pictures of me on the blog (yet), but for anyone who wanted to know, my hair journey has finally reached my Big Chop stage. Not intentionally, since I told this new barber to only trim my hair, but I guess my first mistake was the fact that I went to a new barber. Anyways, I am now left with about a quarter inch of unstretched, 4c hair on my head. I'm honestly surprised because I never thought I'd actually have m hair this short; my mom detests straight hair (she's with the long + straight vibe), and with me being a girl, I was highly encouraged to keep my hair long. I've always struggled with my hair, though. It was always so irritating to manage, whether it had been blow-dried straight and curled or in it's natural 4c state, I've always personally had an issue with appreciating my hair and loving myself with it.
I guess that a part of me is actually glad that it's cut short.
I'm not sure if I'll tell my parents this, but I was hoping to cut my hair soon anyways. There's always that joke about people drastically changing their hair whenever they go through certain life stages, and to be honest? I'm at that point right about now. I'm going through a really weird transition in life right now; with COVID, friendship/relationship dynamics completely changing, and me recently changing my major (from Psychology to English), it seems like I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing anymore. In a sense it feels good, moving between an old and new version of myself. With any change, though, there's fear. I have no idea if me changing my major was the right choice; I'm fearful of COVID every day, especially since it seems to just get worse in the United States; and, after struggling for so long to be more social, it feels like any chance I had at finding more close friendships has been yanked away with the onset of quarantine. There's also the whole "adulting" thing, which sucks.
With my hair short, it feels like some sort of symbolic weight that's now taken off of my shoulders. Not literally, since my hair wasn't very long before the cut (around 4-5 inches). It's kind of a fresh start; in my head, I can start from a new foundation and learn to love myself at every stage of hair growth, from near-egg to full fro. There's also the ease in maintenance, since short hair is a lot easier to wash and detangle than longer curls. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, really. When my hair was longer (stretching down to my neck), I kept it in a stretched puff every day. And while that was pretty, I was tired of doing the same hairstyle every day; my hair wasn't long enough to do much else, and I didn't feel the most comfortable with being the only Black girl wearing an afro in my PWI high school. This is going to be quite a journey, but hopefully I can learn (and eventually see) some cool things with my hair while also learning how to take care of it.
You know another thing that's always bothered me, though? There is such a big obsession with long hair. And with long, STRAIGHT hair, but we're just going to focus on long hair in general. Growing up, especially as a Black girl, there has been so much focus on my hair. I was a part of that typical "had perm in my hair from outside the womb" group, until I noticed that I hated straight hair, as well as the overall perm process. since about 7th grade, I was natural, first transitioning, then partially big-chopping, then big chopping three times since then (once because I wanted a short cut, another time because of dye damage, and this time around because of a wack barber experience). I've gotten so much smoke from my family, particularly my parents, about messing with my hair. "Why do you keep doing so much to your hair? It's going to fall out if you keep it up." "I liked your hair in braids; why do you keep changing it so much?" Even from people who've really never had any business with my head to begin with; I know I'm not the only one who's heard the classic "I'm attracted to girls when their hair looks like ____."
It makes me mad. So much that I also kind of wanted to cut my hair out of spite. I know that short hair isn't the most versatile in terms of style, but I'm sick of people tying my worth to what's on my outside. My value isn't tied to my hair; as a Black woman, it's already hard enough to be confident or proud of how you look because of so many factors: colorism, racism, emasculation. When are people going to mind their business and realize that I'm more than my hair? Than what I look like, period?
As I continue along with this blog, I will eventually post pictures of myself. Maybe you'll be able to see my hair journey as it growth (which honestly won't take very long because my grows very fast). But if there's anyone who's reading this who's super wrapped up in what their hair looks like? Don't be. I promise you, you will look beautiful regardless on what's covering your scalp. Wig, weave, waves, whatever. Check your insides first.